"...Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to"

-"If you want me to" by Ginny Owens. 

Such a beautiful song. Really. She sure knows how to express myself. (ha.) Lately, I've had such a heavy heart. I'm not quite sure what that means; yet, I know no other way to put it. The only thing I can honestly think of to say is, "So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself, and I can't hear you answer my cries for help..." Anyway, thankfully I have faith- strong faith, and I am NOT giving up. No, nothing is wrong, but nothing is really right either. I feel so mediocre... and I hate it. I am SO ready to give 100% to God. That sounds so cliche. However, it is the truth. More or less, I am just ready and willing to give up everything and anything for Him, and to only pursue my relationship with Him. I feel like I want that so bad it makes me sick. So, the problem. I feel like the closer I get to God and the more and more I pursue my relationship with Him, the more everything else around me seems to fall apart. And that is okay, it's just I have such a huge tender heart for everything and anything and it breaks my heart! Sorry, I'm not trying to whine or complain. I'm just saying how it is. lol.  Anyway, sometimes I just feel like the only person I can tell ANYTHING to is God. Which is great. It truly is. I feel so significant as a child of God, yet so insignificant in this world. I feel like if I didn't make all the effort to talk to my family or friends or anybody for that matter, that it wouldn't happen! However, my sweet Jesus tells me in His Word that he will STOP all of Heaven to feed one of his hungry children on earth. I cannot think of a more powerful statement. Wow. I'm just so unsatisfied with this world. I realize this is what happens the deeper relationship you have with Christ, but I hate feeling unsatisfied and insignificant in the world I have to live in every day. I just wish everything were perfect (preaching to the choir, I know) but instead I just worry all the time. Like I said, I just have such a heavy heart. Pray for me? Thanks.

ANYWAY- I am so ready to go back to school. This summer has been a drag. My mom is gone every week for work, this week she's in Chicago. Ryan works 12-8 everyday. I was soooooo pumped for this summer so I could spend so much time with him, but no. WORK SUCKS! lol. Is it sad, though, that I spend more time with him in one day (on the weekends) when we are in school, than I do all week put together when we live 5 miles apart? Yeh, I thought so. And it hurts my heart. I just want to go back to school. It seems like it won't make any difference in the aspect of spending time with people. Sadly enough.

My boss just had a dozen long stem roses delivered to her. I'm not lying when I say it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Wow. My heart melted for her. No lie. What did she do to deserve those, I wonder?

If anybody wants to come to church with me tonight, or ever, it would most certainly delight my heart. Just let me know. I love you! Have a spectacular .......however long it is until next time I post. :) -Meg.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

-"Beautiful" by Bethany Dillion

I'm home for the summer!!!!!!!!!!

... and already bored to death. I called my boss today and told her that I am starting work Monday morning b/c I am already so bored! I can't wait for August.. but I am glad to be home w. my family and with Ryan.  I miss Lydia terribly. :(

Some things I learned during my freshman year:

1) Save EVERYTHING you type on your computer

2) Long distance relationships are NOT that hard

3) I  Lyon College and the people there ROCK

4) Give everything a second chance... I love Conway! and UCA. (yes.. I said it.)

5) You find out who your REAL friends from back home really are

6) Little Rock isn't really THAT scary

7) The sonic on Dave Ward is way better than the sonic on Prince Street. (right Lyd??)

8) Apparently studying 15 hours for one test isn't enough..

9) THANK THE LORD for free mobile to mobile w. Cingular.... 7,000 minutes that month could have been a huge bill, right Ryan?

10) It's ok to be unsure about what you want to do with your life

11) I learned atleast 3 different speed traps between Harrison and Conway, and Batesville and Conway- the HARD way!!

12) You don't have to cry to get out of a ticket

13) Getting ready for class is over-rated. Proud supporter of waking up brushing my teeth, washing my face and going to class!

14) College makes you closer to your family

15) I have the greatest boyfriend in the world

16) it doesn't matter what other people think of you

17) I think I'll end this now b/c I'm rambling b/c I'm bored... which leads me to #

18) After being at college for a year.. coming home is VERY boring!

Anyways, there you have it. What a great year.

Tomorrow Ryan and I are going up to Fayetteville for the Harrison guys' championship soccer game.. woohoo! I think I'm getting sick b/c Ryan broke my umbrella last weekend and I had to walk in the cold rain 2 or 3 days last week.. so yeh. That stinks. But today him/his mom gave me a new one. It's Mary Kay, and SUPER CUTE! I am pumped. BRING ON THE RAIN! lol. Just kidding. Ok ya.. I need sleep. Oh yeh, one more thing.  If anybody finds a beautiful, I mean BEAUTIFUL half carat diamond bracelet with x's and o's.. it is mine. I lost it in Batesville 2 weekends ago and I'm so sick about it. It was my christmas present from Ryan. We looked e v e r y where and it is n o where. I'm so upset.

Well I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a kick-butt summer!! Lydia I'll be coming to see you VERY soon! I love you!

goodnight everybody. -meg.